Most girls in their twenties have experienced the endless and painstaking search for “Mr. Right.” It’s all about the rush to find a partner whom they can run off into the sunset with and live a fairy tale life. It’s as if every woman has a tiny voice in their head saying, “If you wait too long, you will meet your unavoidable fate as a crazy cat woman with a hunched back and no friends. You better get out there woman, because you ain’t getting any younger!” I can remember various stages of my twenties where I thought, “I must have something wrong with me. I’m always single and I can’t ever keep a relationship.” People frequently asked me, “When will you find a boyfriend?” “Why are you always single?” Or the best was when I would be at a wedding and asked, “So when will you find a man?” The resulting angst that came from all of this kept me up many a night.
However, here is the thing: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE! First off, women, you are not defined by the men you are with, and if you think you are, then you are not being true to yourself! Men, you should never be defined by the women you are with either. If I could go back and tell my twenty-year-old self a thing or two about life and finding a mate, here is the advice I would give:
People should find out who they are and what is truly important to them if they ever want to find a companion who will make them happy.
When I was twenty, my thoughts were: “Well, I know what I want. I want a nice guy, but he can’t be too nice. He needs to be in a band. He should be artsy. He should be comedian-status funny. He should probably have some really interesting tattoos and crazy rock-star-like hair. Oh, and he should probably be a professional snowboarder or surfer!” Now, while these ideas seem lavish and comical, this is truly what used to enter my mind as a younger woman. I thought I needed a guy to tick all of these boxes of what I deemed sexy or interesting. In my mind, these were the only types of men who could ever keep my interest. However, the truth is that I wanted to experience all of these types of lifestyles myself and was not ready for any kind of committed relationship. I needed to experiment with all kinds of social situations before I could actually find where I fit in. A man I would have deemed a heartthrob in those days I would probably define as too extreme for me now. The point is, if I would have stuck with the first guy I found attractive back then I probably would have ended up miserable because I hadn’t found who I really wanted to be yet. It is SO important to find out who you are and where you find yourself inspired, comfortable, and confident before you can ever find someone who can really be your true match. Long-term happiness is much more fulfilling than filling the void of being single.
Better yourself and be who you want to be. A true soul mate will appreciate all that you are and support you in your successes.
It is SO important to be fulfilled in who you are and what you are doing with your life. Use your time as a single person to work on your ideal career, art, writing, exercise, spirituality, adventures, and anything else your heart desires. Not only, will you be much happier if you work to achieve your dreams, hopes, and wishes—people will find you more attractive and interesting in the end.
You have more time than you think! What is the rush? Play the field! Enjoy meeting all sorts of men!
Now, I’m not saying you should go out and go wild with every man you meet. I’m just saying that you will benefit incredibly by enjoying the company of many types of men. Find out who you actually enjoy being around. Maybe you love the idea of dating the famous rock star or the professional athlete, but in the end, can you really handle all that your so-called “ideal man” entails or would it be more fun to simply experience a few weeks with him? Not every man has to be a potential husband. They can just be men, helping you define what it is you do and don’t want in a lifelong mate. They can be men that you have fun with and learn to do new things with. They can become great friends with whom you can go experience various adventures with.
Despite what you may think, you do not have to get married and have children before you are even out of your twenties. What is the rush to get into married life and have children? You should do these things when you are truly happy, with a mate you undeniably love and support, and are ready to be a parent. Now, I realize this may seem a bit too ideal, but so many marriages end in divorce because of this sense of urgency people feel. People rush into marriage before they know themselves or their mates. What people really should focus on is figuring out who they are and what they enjoy. Spend your time around the people who enjoy the same things you do. Experience life with your mate before rushing into things and see if you are truly compatible in all facets.
Set personal goals for yourself and don’t let anyone into your life who doesn’t support your goals.
Being rather eccentric at times and a bit of a dreamer, I often felt as if I should repress my ideas a bit in order to find a man. I thought that if I didn’t fit the norm, I would be eternally single. While I didn’t have wild successes with men in my younger years, I found that as I grew older and became more confident with my goals and dreams I had set for myself, the more men actually seemed to gravitate towards me and take an interest. What we women often tend to do is change a part of ourselves out of fear that we will be rejected otherwise. The funny thing is, in reality, confidence is actually one of the most attractive features to the male species. Men may think you are attractive, but without confidence, they won’t feel as if they should stay. They will feel they could do better than someone who constantly doubts herself. Be yourself, set your goals high and do what you want. The right man will notice!
DO NOT SETTLE!
Throughout my life, I have constantly heard people say, “Why are you so picky? Give him a chance.” Ummm, please tell me why anyone should be with someone they do not like, just so they are not single? If you are not enjoying yourself, you aren’t attracted to someone, or you fundamentally are just not interested in the person; do not waste your time trying to form a relationship with him or her! People may think you are shallow, but at the end of the day, you need to be attracted to your mate or you will never really feel fulfilled. Also, you wouldn’t go out of your way to be best friends with someone you didn’t like, so why would you form a relationship with someone you feel as though you are settling for?
Now you may be thinking, “Well not everyone has the luxury of finding a prince charming.” Well, you may be right. However, the thing is, why be unhappy in a relationship for years on end and not give yourself the chance to find someone who can be your soul mate and make you smile? In the meantime, enjoy your life and be happy with who you are as a single person.
You are you! Let’s hear you roar!
You can do or be anything that you set your mind to! Get out there and experience life and don’t let the fear of being single stop you from doing it! People often tell me that I am so brave because I have traveled the world as a single woman and have moved to other countries by myself. Now, while I know my situation can be unusual to some, it is in no way unachievable. I used my single years to enjoy what life has to offer, travel the world, further my career, run in races, dance, listen to amazing music and generally fall in love and learn from all that has graced my path. I would never have been able to experience everything I have, if I had rushed into a serious relationship. Give your soul a chance to shine all by yourself. You never know who will be drawn to your light.
Don’t push the river. When it is the right time, it will happen.
My mother always told me this, and I always found it frustrating. We think we know what is right for us, and it is really easy to become impatient and restless. From my experiences, I have learned that you can’t make a good relationship come to you at exactly the time you want. The universe has a funny way of giving you what you need at the time that is fit for your growth as a human being. Sometimes, there seems to be no rhyme or reason for why you haven’t found your soul mate, but if you are patient and willing to keep an open-mind, you never know whom the universe will put in your path. It was only when I had relaxed about the idea of finding someone and was fine being alone that I found the man I love. It happened when I least expected it!